i have never been this comfortable with being alone.

this implies that i do not seek some else's comforting. I don't feel that i need it.

And this scares me because it, in turn, implies that no one can help me.

annd that is scary because it brings me to the conclusion that this is a helpless problem.


This is really at the interface of my rationality/reality and the realilty that is in my head and the ties that i can't shake off. but they are not supposed to be shaken off...but i am brainwashed.... i am paralysed here. in limbo.
what i know must be done is a physical impossibility for me.


no it is just too overwhelming. i can't sit down and think about it. If i thought other things were like staring into the sun... this is so much worse. this is paralysis. my brain will not go any further.

I am completely drained. and i will continue to be drained. this has already shaped so much of me. this can never be resolved.